I am puke
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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