For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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