I am midnight drunk by noon
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
