I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
