my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
