thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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