I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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