I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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