god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
