It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
