We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
