The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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