masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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