Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
