I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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