whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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