I could make wine with my vomit
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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