So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I got her a Nickelback box set.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
