guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize