He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
