apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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