I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
