I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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