I think I died a long time ago.
I cannot find my penis.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize