Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
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The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party