I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."