He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.