i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.