There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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