The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
