nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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