u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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