Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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