I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
