Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
