god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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