New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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