So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
