I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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