there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
