I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
