When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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