I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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