i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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