she woke up with a sticky ear
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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