I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you didnt know i had herpes?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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