How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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