she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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