1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.