That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
