I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
