so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dicks are not precious.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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