Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
