i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
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Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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