So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
