fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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