My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Randomize
