Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
