she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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