so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
