Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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